LOS ANGELES---If you want non-stop drag out action, forget the World Wrestling Federation, forget Pay TV Boxing and Caesar's Palace. Look no further than your local talk show whenever there are more than two authors who have written on the same subject. Especially when they are booked on the same show. Recently, I witnessed a fight better and longer than any event put on by Don King.A talk show had booked several authors who had written books on the subject of "dating". What ensued was nothing short of "book wars". In a time where book tours and promotion are at an all time high it is no wonder given the window of opportunity that authors are becoming so fiercely competitive when they appear side-by-side. Here came the quintessential fight between two "Bimbos" and a "Brain". The same kind of fight that women have been having in junior high schools for years.
In one corner, the Bimbos who had written a book on dating "rules", suggesting that if women followed these rules they would "land a man". Interesting that it took two of them to write this book. They were profiled at the beginning of the show instructing women how to follow their rules for example setting a timer when talking to a man on the phone. "You don't want to go over ten minutes on the first time you talk to him," they warned. Bimbo #1 came out with their book attached to her hip. She held it up the entire show, even though the producers had put up a still shot of it when they were introduced. I couldn't help thinking the producers must have been going nuts in the production booth when they saw her holding the book up throughout the duration of the show. Bimbo # 2 looked as though a train was going to hit her. Evidently the publishers prep talk for the talk show had just started to sink in and she was envisioning mega dollar signs instead of audience members.
The Brain had written a book on dating as well. Why anybody needs a book about this subject is beyond me but evidently she had written one. From what I could gather hers was about "being yourself". Again, why anybody would have to buy a book to tell them how to do that is amazing but nonetheless she was there to sell it.
Almost from the beginning the Brain was loaded for bear. She came out swinging. She didn't look as though she had had her 92nd mall makeover like the Bimbos. In fact, the Brain was on the heavy side and was having a very bad hair day. However, the Bimbos were "ugly from within". They leered at the Brain as she began to rip apart their rules with gusto.
The Brian started with the timer rule and combined it with a right hook to include another Bimbo rule which states that you should never "let him know you enjoy sex". The Brain pointed out that if she enjoyed sex she wasn't going to hide it and then asked, "what do you suggest that we do, set a timer on that too?"
Bimbo # 2 had that deer in the headlights look of shock. You could see the fear of losing all of those potential book sales fading before her very eyes. Bimbo #1, who held up their book with vigor, spewed out, "have you even read our book?"
The Brain countered with a left to the jaw, "yes, and on page 32 you also mention that a woman should never reveal that she is too smart or funny."
No chance of this occurring with the Bimbos, however, Bimbo # 1 was not going to take this laying down. She clenched her teeth and cut off an audience member to say, "you have no authority. What kind of authority do you have?" The Brain was about to answer when Bimbo # 1 shouted, "we HAVE men!!!!" Defiantly, she held up the book again as if to say, "see" you can "have" men too. It's also interesting to note that the Bimbos never countered with any quotes from the Brain's book.
My question to the Bimbos, what do you do once you HAVE a man? Go shopping? Is that the purpose to this whole exercise? It seems to me that after deceiving a man into thinking that you are a vapid, asexual, unfunny, drone and he wants a lamp shade in his life that you are now entitled to a high maintenance heavy shopping spree existence, no? And furthermore, show us the goods, Bimbos. Where are these poor saps you "landed" and how much bait did you have to put on the hook?
The Brain then picked out a few more rules from the Bimbos book. One of which was not the tell your therapist that you were following these rules. The Brain pointed out that if she was paying $90 an hour not to reveal to her therapist what she was doing in her own life she might as well not go to therapy.
Bimbo # 2 came out of her deer-in-the-headlights stance long enough to react. "If you want to get deep, buy her book. If you want to GET a man buy our book".
A smattering of applause went up from the Bimbo wannabes in the audience. However, the Brain got the last word, "go deep".
My advice to Don King would be the same, you want to make big bucks, go deep and put two competing authors in a ring and let the book wars begin.
What do you think of dating "advice" books? Of TV talk shows and the way they're set up? Send e-mail to Grrowl! and let us know what you think! Responses will be published in Toothmarks.
